I was never one of those people who wrote down New Year's resolutions. As you *might* have gathered from this blog, I'm kind of addicted to finding new ways to motivate or challenge myself, so accomplishing more in my life is something I aspire to do each year. I don't always meet my goals, of course, but trying is sometimes just as fun as succeeding. A list never really crossed my mind.
But then I did my ThirtyBY30 list -- a bucket list of sorts -- of all the things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Much fun was had as a result of this list. I plan to do another when I reach the big 4-0. (Which is in the far, far, far, far, really far distant future.)
(No really, it is.)
Now I've added the addiction of resolution and bucket lists to my never-ending process of soul-searching. Plus I like writing them down in a brand new notebook with a sparkle-lay pen.
You feel me.
So just for the flip of it, here is my 12in12for 2012.
And I want to see yours! Your 12in12 list doesn't have to be all resolutions, it can just be filled with things you want to accomplish this year, like finishing that photo project you've been working on for years or trying a new haircut. Or they can be soul-food resolutions like learning to eat more veggies or think kindly about yourself and your body. Or a mixture of both! Whatever your list, put your link in the comments so I can see them.
Remember: This is a judge-free zone. Your 12in12 list doesn't have to resemble Mother Teresa's. This is your list -- make it fun and worth the excitement when checking off the last check box. And even if you don't check any of them off, there's still satisfaction in making the list.
~ 12in12 ~
1) Do 12 acts of charitable service -- at least one per month (I'm really excited about this one - there are a lot of great opportunities in and around the Detroit area.)
2) Finish another novel
3) Complete my 30/30 Writer's Workout Challenge
4) Post a photo a day on Instagram, then create a photo book out of the images at the end of the year
5) Go camping in a yurt
6) Find a new Hermit Cave (We've been cooped up in our tiny condo for a long time, and, while we love it, we need some room to stretch out. Finding the perfect house to fit our hermit needs and taste, however, will be tricky. We are picky, picky hermit people, people.)
7) Take violin lessons so I can learn to play my grandfather's fiddle, which was passed down to me by my father
8) Make something creative from Pinterest
9) Finish the database transfers for YABooksCentral.com (My next Project of Doom!!!)
10) Try to have more fun in social settings without letting my social anxiety get the best of me (Harder than it sounds...)
11) Make a habit of going vegan on Wednesdays. Vegan Wednesdays FTW! (This is not a crusade, it's simply for my health. So if you rolled your eyes, roll them back the other way. Ha!)
12) And last but not least? This is the year I hope to sell my first book.
Will I succeed? Or will I collapse face-first in the Mud Puddle of Defeat? Only time will tell.
When you write for a living (or work a desk job), you know how hard it is to keep your body fit and healthy.
For one, most of us consume wayyyyy too much sugar than we know what's good for us. And for good reason: The brain needs glucose to process the 24-hour craze-fest of drama running amok in our never-stop-plotting writer heads. So don't feel guilty -- rejoice! When you reach for that third bag of Twizzlers, it's probably because you're hot on the trail of the next plot point.
However, the other reason we desk monkeys tend to have more trouble in the "fit and healthy" arena is that we sit still for hours and hours on end. Sometimes days on end. Sometimes weeks! And we start to think that having a personal trainer or personal chef appear on our doorstep each morning isn't such a far-fetched idea.
How else are we to stay healthy AND churn out the next book or two?
Or three?
But not all of us can afford a personal trainer, or a gym membership, or Weight Watchers for that matter. And not all of us are interested in losing weight or sculpting our bods into chiseled David-like masterpieces.
Some of us just want to work out in a FUN way to get our creative juices flowing. To keep our bodies active on a daily basis so we don't do our bodies long-term harm. After all, that's what being healthy is all about: everything in moderation -- even sitting.
If you just want to get yourself moving like me, then I invite you to join me for a 30/30 Writer's Workout Challenge: 30 minutes of exercise each day for 30 straight days.
You can do whatever exercise you like, wherever you like. Just make sure you log your 30 minutes each day for 30 days straight.
I started mine today. After living in the Hermit Cave for 4 months writing a second book (and let's face it, the holidays), I lost all the strength I built up 2 years ago when I worked out on a regular basis. Back then, I was doing all my workouts with 20 pound dumbbells with ease. It felt amazing. I had so much more endurance than I do now. I had much less chronic pain, and I was a happier person all around.
I want to get back there.
So! I started my 30 minute home routine this morning.
(FYI: If you can, do your 30 minutes in the morning. People who get their exercise done in the morning tend to see better results than those who work out at night. It has to do with kick-starting your metabolism so that it revs high all day long while you're eating/working, rather than while you're sleeping.)
Some people expressed interest in seeing what I do for my 30 minute home routine, so I made up some handy-dandy circuit cards. (See below.)
Again, you can fill up your 30 minutes with whatever you want to do, but this is the routine I've tailored for myself over the years. I used to hate the idea of working out, but this routine is way more fun than running on a treadmill or working out at the gym -- at least for me.
It may look like a lot at first, but once you get in the groove, it goes by super fast. These are exercises straight from the routine my personal trainer had me doing every other day 2 years ago. I've been doing it ever since because the results were so great.
Of course, I added in a bit of my own flavor to make it fun.
* You'll need a stability ball and hand weights for this routine. *
First of all, wear comfortable clothing that wicks away moisture. You don't want to get overheated, especially if you have asthma like me.
Have a bottle of water within arm's reach.
Fire up the music! I like using dance music that I don't normally listen to throughout the day so my body learns to start moving whenever I hear those particular tunes. Muscle memory, baby! I have a Kesha station on Pandora that is perfect for this. I thumb up any song that gets me moving, and thumb down everything that slows me down. By now, my Kesha station is tailored perfectly to my 30 minute exercise routine.
Do this routine right before your morning shower so you don't have to shower or fancify your hair twice in the same day. (Sometimes writers don't shower for days. This is one sure-fire way to make sure you're acceptable for those inevitable social encounters. Workout + shower = Always ready for the day.
Last but not least: DANCE! Don't just work out -- get some freestyle dance moves going on in between reps. This is one reason I love doing this routine at home. I can get my freak on and no one is around to witness the visual atrocity. I'm telling you, when I incorporated free dance into my workout routine, I saw results a lot faster than just jogging, walking, weight-lifting, etc. Plus, there's just something about dancing that just seems crucial to the soul.
Start out with some fun. Jog around the house to that awesome dance music you have blasting down the halls. Then bust some moves for the kiddos or pets who have likely become your audience. Get down on the floor (on carpet or a yoga mat) and do your crunches, leg lifts, and bicycles. Don't forget to pet the various pets who have joined you on the floor. They're probably really excited that you've come down to "their level." Then hop back up and shake it for 2 more minutes.
Next, whip out your stability ball and slap that puppy against the wall. Squat time! I'm telling you -- these squats will have your thighs feeling like rocks in no time. Shake it some more, then finish off the aerobics section of the routine with jumping jacks, arm circles, and pushups. Then? Shake that thang! (Don't forget to drink some water.)
Now grab your weights (start with 2 to 5 lbs) and lie back on the stability ball. (Videos below to illustrate.) Work those arms like a champ! Lift the weights in time to the music if you can. Keeping up with the music helps it go by much faster (and makes it much more fun).
Switch your playlist to a few slower songs and do 2 minutes of slower free dance. Finally, do 5 minutes of stretching on the floor to fully cool down.
That's it!
Here are short video demonstrations of the exercises in my routine. I found them all on YouTube. Watch them for entertainment's sake if nothing else.
Let me know if you're joining in on the 30/30 Writer's Workout so we can keep each other motivated. Follow along with me and others on Twitter by following the #buttoff hashtag.
And please, do this for fun, health, and the challenge of it. Being active is what's important -- not necessarily being a smaller size. I dare you not to look at the scale until the challenge has been met. ; )
This year, the husband and I are staying home for the holidays. It's quite the change of pace, since every year we make a road trip to Chicago or St. Louis to see family. We don't have any children of our own or have any immediate family living nearby, so we go where the action is.
The problem is, the end of the year is the busiest time for our business, and it's really hard to slip away for a week. This year has been the busiest, which is great! But it also means no traveling until after the holidays. So we've been thinking about implementing a few new holiday traditions to make the season special, since we'll be spending Christmas alone.
So far we've done a few of the usual traditions. We decorated a real tree and Lit. It. Up.
We finished our holiday shopping and wrapped the gifts. Don't they look swell under our blindingly bright Christmas tree? It's on Fiyah.
We listened to Andy Williams and Emmy Lou Harris and The Vince Guaraldi Trio.
We made dozens of cookies. And ate dozens of cookies. (The husband is becoming a master cookie-maker, while I've always been a master cookie-eater.)
We put up our annual Christmas Village display in our storefront window and added a trolley this year. The kids visiting our store have all really enjoyed it.
We adopted a cat from the Humane Society and gave him a forever home for the holidays. Say hi to Fritz!
We've even watched all three The Santa Clause movies and have Elf in the lineup for tonight.
First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.
But I'm thinking we need a few more ideas to make this holiday really special this year. Maybe we'll go to the Greenfield Village Holiday Nights event. Sing along with carolers, ride a Model T, sip some hot cocoa while we stroll through the village...
Maybe we'll ice skate at Campus Maritus Park in Detroit.
What are some of your cherished holiday traditions? I'd love some more suggestions. I'm up for anything! Favorite must-have recipes for your holiday meal? Favorite music? Films? Activities? Events?
Let me know! I need all the help I can get.
And I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a great start to the new year!
If you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll know I signed with a literary agent about a year and a half ago. (For those who don't know, a literary agent is like a Hollywood agent, only instead of finding their clients films to audition for, they find publishers who want to publish their clients' books. It's a pretty big deal, and it's the first step to launching a traditional publishing career.)
I had hoped that my agent would help me sell my first novel, but things didn't quite go as planned. There are a hundred reasons why that relationship didn't work out. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty here on the Interwebz, but I do want new writers to know that there are bad agents out there. Some just aren't very good at their job. It could be because they don't have the dedication it takes to be a literary agent, or they just don't click with the industry. Maybe they're going through a rough patch and can't handle the long hours. Maybe they don't get along well with their clients.
Whatever the reason, my previous agent was not the right one for me. So I moved on.
But let's rewind for just a second so you get the full story.
Ever since I met Myra McEntire on Twitter through #kidlitchat all those years ago, I knew I wanted an agent like hers -- Holly Root from Waxman Literary Agency. As Myra and I became close friends, I learned a great deal from her journey as she went from agented author to signing her first book deal to selling movie rights to Fox. Through it all, Holly was there for Myra to smooth each bump in the road, cheer her on, and choose the best moves for furthering her writing career. She was honest, prompt, professional, and got the job done. Thinking about having an agent like Holly made me excited to start the agent search process.
It was through Myra that I met CJ Redwine, who is also one of Holly's clients. (And so started a trio of writers that has trouble written all over it.) Again, as CJ and I grew close, I got to see firsthand what kind of agent Holly was, and I decided over 2 years ago that I wanted to be Holly's client.
I sent Holly my first novel through a referral from both Myra and CJ, but since I already had another offer of representation from another agent, Holly decided to pass. My novel had a lot of similar themes as another novel she had just sold, so she encouraged me to go with another agent who might be able to sell it a lot quicker than she could.
This was a huge disappointment, but I understood her reasoning. Holly has a large client base, so she has to be particular with the projects she takes on. If she didn't feel like she could sell it, then she was right, it would be best for me to find someone who could.
I spoke with several other agents and ultimately made my choice. For the first 4 months, everything was great. When I emailed my agent, she replied right away. She was always helpful, and her revision notes for my first novel were spot on. I was impressed and really glad I signed with her.
I spent one month hunkered down in my Hermit Cave, making the revisions she had suggested. Then when I sent them to her, disaster struck. I didn't hear from her. A month went by and she still hadn't read the revisions. Two months. Three.
Five months went by and I still didn't have her response to my revisions. There was no apology. No excuse. Just crickets. (For those of you who don't know, this is not typical.) My novel was sitting in a drawer somewhere not getting the attention it deserved. I didn't think it was fair that someone other than myself got to decide when to put my career and ambitions on hold. So I decided to start the agent search all over again.
Only this time? I wasn't after just any agent. I was playing to win. I wanted Holly, and I was going to write the best book I could--something to make her sit up at attention. Something she couldn't say no to.
Cue my summer blogging hiatus. I started on the new novel in July and didn't come up for air until I put the finishing touches on it in November.
I have to say, this book scared the junk out of me. The plot was wayyyyy over my head, which meant it would be a beast to write. But the funny thing about those types of books? They're usually the ones we're meant to tackle.
Still, I needed my trusty beta readers to tell me if I was headed in the right direction. Chapter by chapter, my two besties (one since kindergarten, the other since college) cheered me on until that final page was written. I don't think I could have written the book so quickly had it not been for them and their unwavering belief in me.
Halfway through the book, I went on a writing retreat to the Smoky Mountains with CJ and let her read the first few chapters. Her enthusiasm for the project almost knocked me flat on the floor. She said that not only did she believe I'd get an agent with this book, but that I'd have my pick.
"Good," I said, "because I pick Holly."
A couple other author friends gave me agent referrals, which was awesome, just in case my "audition" wasn't good enough to make it on Team Root. You never know with these things. Even though Myra and CJ felt the book was right up Holly's alley, taste is so subjective. I've learned to keep my hopes pretty level in this business.
Once the book was finished, I sent it to CJ and Myra for their thoughts. I don't think a day went by that they didn't email Holly to tell her how much they liked it. In fact, they campaigned for my Team Root status so diligently that when I finally sent the query to Holly, she told me I should have CJ and Myra on my payroll.
Here's a taste of Myra's recommendation: "Holy. BLEEP. Hot. HOLY. BLEEP. That's my official recommendation."
And a taste of CJ's: "Okay, I just finished reading Mandy's book. Holy. Cow. Plot twists. Characters I adore. Romance! Romance Foiled! Villains! WORLD BUILDING!"
Can you see why I adore these two? They've been with me since the beginning of my quest. They were there when I sent my first query. When I got my first rejection. When I had to admit to myself that my first agent hadn't been the right decision. When I had to admit that my first book wasn't the right one to start my career.
They were there the next two weeks while I waited to hear back from Holly. I remember wondering why I hadn't heard from her yet, and I sent this text to Myra: "SHE HATES THE PRECIOUSSSS." To which she promptly replied: "TRUST."
I think at some point I told CJ, "I'm slipping into the I-don't-even-care-anymore mode." (For those of you who have gone through The Query Process, you know this feeling well. It's that point where you try to pre-numb yourself so you don't feel the pain of rejection. It's usually not a good place to be, which is why CJ replied with something loving and eloquent like: *SMACK*
During this time, I also had the support of three other critique partners: Sara, Bria, and Francesca. I don't think I could have gotten through this as emotionally steady as I did without their enthusiasm over the book. They probably would have campaigned for my Team Root status too, if given the chance. Instead, they rooted me on like an All-State cheer squad. (Notice what I did there? ROOTed?)
Almost two weeks after I sent the book to Holly, I got a tiny one-line email from her asking if there was a good time for her to call me the following day. I replied with a time, then promptly began the freak-out process. It was a quiet freak-out though. One of those inner simmerings that might bubble over at any minute if you don't keep an eye on it. I told myself I was cool. It's all cool. Everything's cool. Myra screeched. CJ demanded details. Again, they were there to walk me through it all. They were there with me all day the following day on gmail, waiting for The Call, even though Myra was supposed to be writing and CJ had the flu. I'm pretty sure Bria was there on Twitter all day, waiting to hear the news.
(Writers, if this doesn't convince you to find yourself some killer critique partners, I don't know what will!)
Throughout it all, we knew Holly could still say no. I had given her an exclusive, and with the referrals from her clients, she might have felt like she owed me a personal call to break the bad news. I think, in that case, I would have preferred an email rejection so I could cry alone in my Hermit Corner, but Holly's too classy for that.
So. I was waiting. Trying to be cool. Myra was still screeching. And crying. And bingeing on ice cream in my honor since I can't eat the stuff. CJ's right foot wouldn't stop wiggling. And I think her stomach was doing Kermit arms. She couldn't do Kermit arms herself or she'd wake the baby.
And then?
The Call.
First of all, you need to know that I have a slight telephone phobia. I do not do phone calls. I text. I email. I tweet. I status update. I pin. I comment. I write letters and cards. I am awkwardsauce when it comes to the phone. I start shaking. My palms get sweaty. I feel faint. Most of my friends and family know this, and they're sweet enough not to hold it against me. They know it isn't a snub. It's just a somewhat debilitating, irrational phobia of hearing my own voice and listening to awkward silences. Is there a name for this? *googles* Someone says it's called Telephonolaliophobia, which, good grief, is quite a mouthful. To make it easy, just think of it as a symptom of social anxiety disorder or SAD.
I haz a SAD.
Hence the Hermit Cave.
I bring this up only because Holly is a natural on the phone. She made me feel at ease right away. Not too many people can do this, especially when there is judgment and rejection at stake. And thankfully? She got right to the point.
She said she really didn't want to want my book. She tried really hard to find a reason not to offer representation. (Meaning she already has a lot of clients and a lot on her plate, and she has to be very selective with the clients she brings onboard. However...
...and here comes the good part...)
She said, "But I just can't get over this book."
I think I probably stopped breathing at that point, although I didn't celebrate yet. I think I said something insightful and intelligent like, "Mmhmm," while furiously typing what she said to Myra and CJ in gmail chat. Then came more screeching and foot wiggling.
I don't remember too much from our phone conversation -- it's sort of a blur now -- but I do remember her suggesting we skip straight to the We're Working Together part of the call, because she wanted to be my agent. Again, I think I said something lofty like, "Okay. Cool."
I had a few questions for her, but probably not nearly as many as she expected. I told her that Myra and CJ should be on her payroll, because they had sold me on Team Root a long time ago. I said, "I already know you're the one that I want." *pause* "Not that I'm going to break into song or anything..."
But I totally could have broken into song. Because not only did I write the book I didn't think I could write, and got the agent I didn't think I could get, but because I didn't give up after that first failed attempt.
So many writers give up too soon. That very next query could be IT. That next book idea could be THE ONE. If you want it bad enough, then you don't give up. You keep working until you meet your goals.
I can't quite say working with my first agent was the wrong choice, because if that relationship hadn't fallen apart I wouldn't be where I am today on my journey. That bad experience didn't turn me off. It didn't make me throw in the towel. It made me want to meet my goals all the more. I used the same advice my mom gave me when I was a teenager: "If you want something bad enough, go and get it." She was talking about a boy I liked at the time, which pretty much makes her the coolest and most understanding mom EVER, but that advice has stuck with me all these years. It has helped me form the person I am today. When I see something I want, I go for it, even if rejection is on the horizon.
Even if there is a telephone involved.
I still can't think about Myra's and CJ's encouragement and support without getting misty-eyed. If they hadn't been there to help keep my passion and determination headed in a straight line (and kept me off the emotional roller coaster), who knows where I'd be.
All I know is that I am now officially TEAM ROOT, and I'm excited to see where this takes me. I'll be sharing my journey on this blog, so if you want to stay connected, click the "Join This Site" button in the right column.
So how did I celebrate?
After The Call, the husband and I went out to dinner. We got all fancy and went to this snobby restaurant people had been recommending to us for a while. When we got there, we found out the wait time was close to an hour, so we ditched the snazzy scene and strolled down a snow covered street (complete with Christmas lights) to our favorite hole-in-the-wall burger joint.
Here's the hubs standing under a frilly tutu. Because...why not? Plus, we were in an exceptionally good mood. Tutus and a new agent do that to us.
I had a BBQ and onion ring burger and chili cheese fries in my fancy schmancy white pea coat. It was kinda poetic. And kind of Gilmore-Girls-esque.
Then we ducked into this hippy, eclectic coffee shop for coffee and a Rice Krispie Square the size of my head.
While we sipped and nibbled, we watched a folk duo performing in the corner. To round out the perfect celebratory night, the last song the duo played was Orphan Girl by Gillian Welch. I almost choked on my Rice Krispie Square. It's one of the theme songs for the main character in my new book, the one that just got me my dream agent. Don't you just love coincidences like that? The main character has been reincarnated over 50 times, so the lyrics of the song really spoke to me the first time I heard it. If she has lived over 50 different lives, then who is her true family? Her true mother? True father? Where is her true home? Which family members will meet her in the Afterlife at "God's Table?" If she ever gets there? I think the song really fits in that aspect.
To find out more about the new book, I guess you'll have to stick around this blog. :) For now, you can watch the video from my celebratory evening and celebrate along with me. This is The Potter's Field performing Orphan Girl.
(I didn't get the beginning of the song because it took me a few moments to scrape my jaw off the floor. But you get the gist. I think I'll keep this recording forever to commemorate this awesome day.)
Last year, Bria Quinlan and I made a bunch of t-shirts, mugs, mouse pads, and more with writerly and bookish designs. Apparently a lot of you like our stuff, because we're still in business!
If you're looking for gift ideas for the writer or book lover in your life, check out all the different designs we have at Writer's Yardsale: http://www.cafepress.com/writersyardsale/
Here are a few examples below. Click on the image to see the entire collection for that design. There are many different color and style options for t-shirts, and lots of gift items to choose from.
I like BIG BOOKS and I cannot lie! Our newest design.
This design comes in t-shirt and poster form too! **One of our HOTTEST sellers**
Comes in t-shirts, mouse pads, coasters, and more!
**Our BEST SELLER** Writer's Block: When your imaginary friends stop talking to you
Another top seller! For when you spy on people people watch.
We got a little bit "cheeky" with this one. But customers seem to love it! Ha!
Great quote for the schizo in all of us. :)
Reading is sexy!
Those are just a few of the designs we have available. Check out the entire Writer's Yardsale for more!
And don't miss out on these exclusive Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and Twilight designs, available for a limited time at Spreadshirt.com: http://romanceyardsale.spreadshirt.com/
If you have purchased from The Yardsale before, send us a photo of your item! We'd love to feature it on our blogs.
Have you ever read the hilarity that is Hyperbole and a Half? If not, I highly recommend you remedy that. After this post. Don't go now, because you won't come back here. Go later.
I'll even link it at the end of this post so you can seamlessly scoot on over.
(That is not an invitation to skip my post and scroll to the bottom. *eyes you beadily*)
Though I wouldn't blame you if you did. Cuz Hyperbole and a Half is enriched with vitamins of hilarity and truth that feed the soul.
Moving on.
The fine author at Hyperbole and a Half created this chart. I happen to believe she drew it for me. Or, yanno, the other 32 billion people who can relate.
I currently find myself at the middle of the grid: I'M SUCCESSFUL!!!!! Only because I finished the major project I've been working on all summer/fall.
I tend to have one major project going at all times. I wallow in a mire of self-inflicted hermithood, sustaining myself on a diet of junk food and Sudafed. I'm one-track-minded. I can't focus on anything else and tend to not know what day it is or whether or not I've showered that particular week.
But when the major project is done? And it's time to launch said project? And I finally take those few feeble steps out into the great wide world and fill my lungs with fresh air for the first time in months?
I feel like this:
There is this surge of productivity. The thrill of the launch. Time to do the little things I put off for so long like:
- cooking the real food
- cleaning the hermit cave
- laundering the hermit garb
- washing the hermit hair
- appearing presentable to the public
- having real conversations with the hermit guard (the husband)
- feeding the hermit heating pad (the cat)
- taking the hermit cave alarm system (the dog) for a walk
- going shopping
- doing the little, scraggly day job duties I should be doing every day but put off because my brain can't sustain more than one task at a time
So here I am. Seemingly free for the moment. I feel like one of the twins in a DoubleMint commercial. All happy and clean and tan and blond and flirty and unhermity.
So I'm taking this free time to DO ALL THE THINGS!!!
I think I'll redesign my blog. Make a few more t-shirt designs for Writers Yardsale. Hold a poll to name The Freakin' Fantastic Garden Gnome. Giveaway some books. Introduce you to The Shin Kicking Elf. Watch some terrible movies. Read some unterrible books. I dunno. Something fun. Something I haven't had ANY time to do.
Because I won't be dancing this lively jig on The Plateau of Success for very long. Soon, the System Failure Monster will come along to chew my legs off and I'll become the same old squidgy pulp of social unacceptableness all over again. I'll crawl slowly and painfully to the precipice, hurl myself over the edge, make a nasty-sounding and cringe-worthy splat, then climb back up again.
Because that's what I do.
Until then, have a fabulous holiday week! For those of you enjoying turkey this year, have a piece for me. (Dark meat, thankyouverymuch.) I'll be having fajitas. At a Mexican restaurant. With Polish friends.
All of which I am extremely thankful for.
I'm even thankful for the Projects of Doom. Because without them, the fleeting Plateaus of Success wouldn't exist.
Now go have a laugh at Hyperbole and a Half!! (That should totally be their slogan. It RHYMES!)
And the link to the DoubleMint commercial. You know you want it!
There has been something weighing very heavily on my heart for the past two years. (Longer even, but it was only recently that it started keeping me up at night, sick with worry.) Something that I've watched claw at the hearts of some of my closest friends, tearing them down, making them weaker than I believe them to be. Making them doubt themselves, hate themselves, hurt themselves and those they love. Something that makes them put their lives on hold--this one precious life that is over by the time we feel like it's just begun.
I'd like to talk about it today, mainly to get my thoughts and worry off my chest. Get it out there. I know it has nothing to do with writing or books or publishing, so you don't have to read if you don't want, but it does have everything to do with self-worth and drive and passion. I think it's something that affects everyone. And we keep sweeping it under the rug.
I don't want to do that anymore.
The issue is female self-image in the media.
A few years ago I might have rolled my eyes at this topic because it didn't hit as close to home as it does now. But now that I've become fully aware of the warped body images the media is selling to us, it is an issue that's become impossible for me to ignore. I see it everywhere now--on television, in magazines. I hear it in every conversation I have with another woman. I hear it out of my own mouth.
Her body. Her weight. Her eating habits.
My body. My weight. My eating habits.
My fellow ladies, if we spent half the time we do talking about our bodies and our looks and actually used it to talk about philosophical and social issues, we'd have the world's problems figured out by now.
I truly believe that.
If we took all that time we spend pining over a better bod and exercising until we hurt ourselves and actually attributed that to spending time with our children, our family, our friends, helping our community, helping the poor and the hungry and the needy...who knows what we could accomplish.
I know it isn't as simple as that. But I believe a world of good could come from us simply changing our viewing habits.
Did you know that it's possible to change our opinions on beauty? It's as simple as controlling the images we allow to flash before us--cutting out the lies and replacing them with truth.
I started doing this a long time ago by cutting out magazines and TV commercials. Once I stopped buying magazines (3/4 of them are advertisements anyway) and got a TIVO so I could skip past TV commercials, I actually became a happier person. I wasn't looking at myself in the mirror as much. I wasn't spending as much money on stuff I didn't need. I didn't have as many bouts of depression and self-loathing.
I was beginning to find freedom from the invisible--but all-too constricting--bonds of consumerism, and I realized how the media affected my self-confidence day in and day out. Most of us have no clue that it contributes so much to our unhappiness until we cut it out of our lives.
But even then, I still believed that in order for me to be considered a beautiful woman, I had to be size 8 or below. I still believed I needed to look like a Hollywood celebrity in order to reach my peak beauty.
It wasn't until I became a member on Pinterest that I started noticing a pattern in the images I was seeing on a daily basis. I was browsing fashion blogs and clothing styles so much that I started spending more money on clothes. (Which of course is what the clothing industry wants from fashion blogs. That's why they send fashion bloggers items to try on and photograph and blog about...) Anyway, I noticed that all those women wearing those stylish clothes were tall and slender. White and tan. Young and beautiful.
None of the clothes would fit me, or look good on my body type.
Then I noticed friends on Pinterest posting images of women in swimsuits like this one below to "keep them motivated" at the gym. This one is labeled "healthy weight loss" where the girl goes from a perfectly lovely 134 pounds to 110.
Why is it that in our society, 134 pounds is considered unhealthy? Why is the image on the right considered more beautiful? What is WRONG with the image on the left exactly??
Here's another:
The thing about goal weights are that they're usually 100% ridiculous and unnecessary. They become unhealthy obsessions rather than true desires to become healthy individuals.
Why? So I can look like her? What will that achieve? Will her body bring me happiness? Prosperity? Will it make me a kinder person? Will it help me serve others with a selfless heart? Will it help me stop overeating? Will I love myself more?
Will it bring me love?
According to a fascinating article the other day, probably not. Especially if you're looking for a man who only bases his dating pursuits on body type. The article started off with the photo below:
An online survey was conducted where 60,000 men were shown images of women sized 8, 12, and 14 in bikinis. Overwhelmingly the men were more attracted to the size 12 and 14 than the size 8. It tells us what we've always known: men will almost always prefer curves to a bony hip and shoulder.
What else does the survey tell us?
That finding love and gaining the attraction of a man is NOT why women diet or exercise. It also usually has nothing to do with "getting healthy."
For a lot of women, it has a lot to do with competition.
We see a woman's body with rock hard abs and we say, "Hey! How come my abs don't look like that?" We see how our friend has thinner thighs and we say, "Wow! I'd kill to have legs like that!"
It has nothing to do with being attractive so we find love. It has nothing to do with health. Most of us just want to look as good--or better--than the fellow ladies around us or the ones we see on TV. Period.
When I realized this, it truly disgusted me. Mostly because it's so true. My husband loves my curves. So much so that I often frown at him and find myself saying stupid things like, "I'm huge! How can you love this?"
My self-image isn't warped because my man thinks I should be thinner, it's warped because the women in my life think I should be thinner. The women on TV think I should. The women in magazines think I should. The media thinks I should. And therefore I think I should.
So I put my foot down. I started following a woman on Pinterest who has a board called "Curvy Cuties and Wonderful Women."She often posts images of real-sized women, and when I see them in my Pinterest feed, I know I'm actively changing what I perceive as a beautiful female body.
These for example, are images we wouldn't see in too much magazines:
Why do we view these women as less beautiful than the stick figures I posted up above? Because they have fuller thighs? Softer stomaches? Thicker arms?
We've gotten so used to seeing women with teenage boy bodies and labeling them as having "ideal beauty." No hips. No chest. Skin and bones. We warp ourselves into believing that is the ideal body shape, not even fully realizing where that ideal comes from.
I promise you, it doesn't come from us alone. It comes from the media, the television, the magazines, the commercials. And who wants their thoughts dictated by them? I'd rather have my own mind and be happy about it, thankyouverymuch.
(If you've stuck with my rant until this point, can I offer you a virtual hug?)
All that said, here are ten challenges I'm going to be tackling in the next few months. I'd really love it if you took them on with me, or just picked one to try.
From now on I'm going to:
1) Cut out the vast majority of false, photoshopped images that I put in front of myself. I will flip past the "beautiful women" in magazines, because they're all airbrushed and touched up. None of them actually look like that in real life. Instead, I will put images of REAL bodies in front of me. Real women. If I'm going to look at another woman's body, I'm going to make sure it represents the vast majority of women--the average size.
2) Reach that point where I really do believe what I said in #1 whole-heartedly. What we see on television and in magazines is NOT real. No woman has pore-less skin. No woman has crease-less necks when they turn to the side. No woman holds herself in those ridiculous poses in real life. And no normal person can work out for a living like celebrities do. It's just. not. real.
3) Stop pouring over images of false beauty for "inspiration" and "motivation." If I work out, it's going to be because I LIKE DOING IT. If I'm only doing it to go from one size to another, or look just as good as that other chick at the gym, I'm going to stop and rethink it. Then, because I'm already in my healthy zone for weight for my height and age, I'm going to choose to do something more productive. And fun.
4) Eat something I enjoy and don't feel guilty about it.
5) Stop talking about my eating habits/goals/calorie count. This will be a tough one for me, but I'm truly going to put forth my best effort. Can you do it with me? I fully plan to talk about food in general, because I adore food, but I'm not going to talk about calories or how "bad" I was because I had a slice of pie.
I like pie.
I'm going to friggin' eatpie.
6) Stop talking about my weight and my body around my friends. Chances are, some of them are larger than I am. And we can tell our friends over and over that they're beautiful and they don't need to lose weight, but when we beat ourselves up about our own weight, which may be less than theirs, we're telling the whole world that we're not skinny enough. Not desirable enough. And that speaks volumes. Everyone hears us, even when we think they don't. It makes our larger friends think, "If they don't think they're beautiful at 130 pounds, what must they think of me at 170? They tell me I'm beautiful, but they must be lying to my face." Even though we may not be lying, they'll think we are. And that puts their trust in us on the rocks.
7) Stop talking about my weight and body and eating habits around the little women in my family. Kids hear everything we say. They watch us like hawks. They imitate us. Do we really want them growing up to be as consumed by their body image as we are? Do we want our little men to believe that real beauty is based on looks? On a size 2 or 4 for that matter?
8) Stop telling only my thin friends that they're hot, or they have a great bod.
I was walking next to a friend of mine not too long ago and my other friends shouted out to her how hot her body was. Not one word of praise was mentioned about me or my body. And of course I know why. Because I'm larger. I'm wider. I have a fuller face. I have rounder hips. I don't have a "hot bod." Obviously, I'm not the ideal image of beauty my friends believe in. They don't aspire to have a body like mine, so they're not going to praise me and my looks. And that got me thinking. Are these women truly my friends? Do I really want them to be? Women who praise the very thing that destroys so many women's spirits? Kills so much self-esteem? Leads us down a path of self-loathing?
This is just warped and wrong. When we give praise to those with thin and rock-hard features and withhold praise from those without them, we're perpetuating the thin ideal. The long-and-lean ideal.
We're not okay with ourselves or our friends when we look like Miss Teen UK, Chloe Marshall, who is a size 16:
We don't praise women like her. We praise women like this:
There's even an entire group of women posting images like the one above on Pinterest and captioning it: Dang girl!
What about women as hot as Chloe Marshall? Why don't they get a dang girl too?
By only praising the thin, we end up hurting and excluding a vast majority of average-sized women in our lives. I know I've done it myself. I know I've been insensitive. I've spoken about my weight and how I'm unhappy with my body in front of someone larger.
I refuse to do it any longer. I'm stopping now.
9) Stop watching television shows or films that star a full pin-up cast. I swear, it's getting worse and worse in America. I saw a few episodes of Rookie Blue when it first came out. My first reaction?
How many rookie police forces actually look like this?
Everyone on the show is perfect and beautiful, not just those pictured above. The entire police station appears to be cast from a modeling agency. Perfect skin, perfect teeth, perfect bodies. That's because we don't demand authenticity in American television. We just want to look at hot people.
This is why I've started watching shows primarily on BBC. The people on their shows are more true to life. I've seen women with crooked teeth, fat rolls, wide hips, wrinkles. And do you know what? It's refreshing. It lifts a heavy burden off my shoulders.
Here are the stars of Law & Order UK (for example), who, yanno, actually look like real people. And are, yanno, actually cast for their acting talent rather than their yummy looks:
Crazily enough, the not-so-scrumptious actors usually become our most beloved characters, because we fall in love with their personalities rather than their looks.
It's a novel concept indeed, one that requires control of thought. Challenge #9 is to put my foot down and watch shows with REAL looking people in the cast. Women who look like my real friends. Not women who look like the kind of people I want to be my friends.
10) Number ten might be the most important of all. If you only try one of the challenges with me, try this one. Watch this short film about image in the media and learn how what we purposefully place before our eyes can negatively affect all areas of our lives.
Part one is the first video and part two is below it.
I definitely did not write this post to put anyone down, and I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad about themselves. I don't mean to judge or point fingers. I have been guilty of everything I mention here, and I still will be, I'm sure, until these challenges cease being challenges and start becoming habit.
I don't know how many times a woman has talked to me about these issues and I just nodded my head and smiled until they were finished, and I never thought twice about the truth of the matter. Maybe I didn't want to hear the truth at the time. Maybe I wasn't at a point in my life where I cared enough about it.
But there are women I love in my daily life who are giving up precious chunks of their one-and-only life worrying about their bodies. I refuse to be an accessory to that. I refuse to give them a reason to look at themselves and believe they aren't already WORTH SO MUCH.
I refuse to let one moment pass without telling them how beautiful they are, exactly HOW THEY ARE. And in order for them to believe me, I must treat myself with the same love and respect. They won't believe that I think they're beautiful unless I believe I'm beautiful--just the way I am.
So in order to help others, I'm going to work to change myself and what I perceive as true beauty. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to lose sight of my goal and mess up now and again, but I'd rather spend my time learning how to lift others up than learning how to lift weights. I'd rather spend my time learning the habit of self-love and selflessness than the habit of running everyday or getting to the gym after work.
I just happen to believe that's a better use of my time.
And that doesn't mean I'm not going to work out or watch what I eat. It just means people and relationships and love and self-worth come first. They're so much more important. We can't take our bodies with us.
And now I must end this enormous post because my goal for the day was a clean kitchen. I've gone and spent all day worrying about this post, biting my nails to nubs, organizing what I wanted to say (I really did, even though it may not seem like it!), and then typing it up.
If all you take away from this post is a viewing of the short film above, then I'll be proud I posted this. And if this post gives me more accountability for meeting my ten challenges head on, then that'll be worth it too.
I truly believe if we can change how the media represents women here in the States, we can change the world.
